WARNING: If you’re driving through the Northern Cape, hide your burgers — or prepare to pay in patties!

You gotta be careful on the roads today, folks. You never know what might happen — especially in them there country areas like the Northern Cape!

Thank goodness when I drove up there, I wasn’t stopped by no traffic cop. But there’s a court case going on this week in Upington about famished traffic police officers stopping motorists, fining them, and then saying they could make the fine “go away” — for a price.

And that price?

BURGERS!

That’s right, folks — these cops weren’t looking for cash. They were looking for CHEDDAR.

Seems the boys in blue had a serious case of the munchies, and they figured the best way to fill their bellies was to shake down innocent drivers for a double-patty with extra pickles!

Now look, this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened.

I don’t mean burgers — I mean this kind of thing.

There’s more of this going on around the country than you can shake a sesame-seed bun at!

I remember years ago, driving in Sandton after a night at the restaurant. The cops were out in full force, coming up with all sorts of things, secretly saying behind your vehicle:

“You know, I can make this thing go away…”

And then you knew exactly what that meant.

Stash some cash from your wallet in the cubbyhole.

The officer would lean in, have a good look around your car, slide his hand into the cubbyhole and help himself to your money.

You know what?

This has been going on for a HELL of a long time.

Needless to say, I never went to a restaurant in the evening again in Sandton.

Because if you had more than one glass of wine, you were in for BIG TROUBLE.

So just forget it!

Anyway, back onto the roads.

These traffic policemen see you coming from a mile off. They know what they want. They have speed traps. They give you bogus fines.

And then they want whatever they can get from you.

In the courts, evidence is being led that the cops wanted BURGERS because they were HUNGRY!

So be careful when you’re driving in the Northern Cape — or on any national road, for that matter, in any of the provinces.

Instead of thinking about your tyre inflation, the amount of petrol you’ve got to get to the next town, or your spare wheel — or, mostly these days, them biscuit tyres — what you should really be thinking about is:

Do I have enough burgers?

And don’t mention “biscuit” to the cops.

They might want to EAT THE BISCUIT!

My advice?

Keep an EMERGENCY BURGER PACK in your car.

Probably a minimum of four burgers.

Yes, four.

Because these traffic cops seem awfully hungry for BURGERS!

So remember, folks:

Keep your licence, your registration and a warm bag of burgers on the passenger seat.

You never know when a hungry officer might need a little “roadside assistance” — of the edible kind!

— Weekly Northern Cape Road Report