The Naked Truth about The Garden of Eden

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By the illusive Green Witch, our correspondent on visions of gardening, environmental topics and grounded issues

Way, way back when God created our beautiful planet he created a guy by the name of Adam. He gave Adam a beautiful home in the Garden of Eden where his main job was to name all the creatures that roamed the planet. Thunderclouds were however on the horizon. 

With Adam being so busy naming the animals – Hippopotamus because of its pot belly, octopus because of its eight arms etc. – things in the garden itself soon got out of hand. Vines were smothering the trees, paths were overgrown, beetles were helping themselves to five star dinners on the roses and the lawn was growing higher than the giraffes. 

God saw all of this and he realised that the poor Adam was unable to cope with all the work and what is more, he had not an iota of horticultural knowledge. God knew that he needed help for Adam and he then created Eve.

Eve loved her new job. She soon got those hedges trimmed, the flowers dead headed and she even mulched the beds with all the dead leaves from the trees. She had one small problem though. The lawns were growing higher and higher and she often had difficulties finding Adam after the day’s work.

Adam and Eve had not yet discovered fossil fuels and even though there was a lawnmower Eve could not get it started. After giving the problem some thought she asked Adam for a flock of sheep to mow the lawn. The sheep loved it. They were protected from the wolves, they had loads to eat and without knowing it they were spreading lawn fertilizer as they went. 

In no time the garden was more beautiful than ever. Eve even had some spare time and could sit down under a tree for lunch. One day she spotted a beautiful tree in the middle of the garden with a little banner at the top saying ‘Tree of Wisdom – Under No Circumstances Touch the Fruit!’

Now as a descendant from Eve, and my name is not Alice, it is as good as saying: ‘EAT ME!’ We all know that no woman can resist the temptation. Eve ran, picked an apple, ate it, and shared it with her companion Adam. Next thing both were standing there staring at each other stark naked and that is where things go a bit fuzzy for me.

Firstly, I have no idea how a singular apple tree in the whole Garden of Eden could have carried fruit without being cross pollinated. Secondly, we have also established that you never give a woman a challenge like ‘Don’t….’ and ‘Can’t’. She is sure to try it out. Thirdly, I think God underestimated the determination of a woman and that is the naked truth.

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